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Dear Annie,
I am always disappointing my family! My sister is going through a divorce on the other side of the country. At Christmas time I accidentally spoke to her soon to be ex-husband. I let them down so much that my now both my sisters have disowned me and the last words I received from the one going through the trauma was that I’m f**king nuts and she never wants to f**king talk to me again. I now realize that everyone would be happy and not having any problems if it weren’t for me. It is all my fault that my family has any problems at all! I’m such the disappointment. Can we be friends?
Morose in Michigan
Dear Morose:
Wow, the giant thud of that question nearly broke an appendage. That’s quite the load you’re carrying there so perhaps we should break it down a bit.
First thing on the table is that I have no details of any interaction you might have had with anyone (conversations, actions other than talking to the future ex and I don’t know what you said to him) so we’re going to have to speak in generalities here. One thing I can guarantee you is that you are not responsible for the misery of your family because that would be giving yourself entirely too much power and few, if any, family members have that kind of clout.
Rather than thinking that your family would be happy chipmunks if it weren’t for ‘downer you’, remember that you and your sisters come from under the same umbrella and whatever neurosis dogs the family tree (a lot of mixed metaphor here) affects all of you in different ways. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, you are f**king nuts and a general pain in everybody’s rear; their removal of you from the family scenery will definitely not improve their lives anymore than what they are able to do for themselves.
Now, with that said, you may want to find a professional to sort through some of this family nonsense because you don’t seem to have a firm grip on where you fit into this hot mess. You may not be happier in your family after doing some therapy but I can assure you you’ll know where you stand, and confidently (assuming you have the right therapist). Your goal should be to acquire the skills to identify the family bullshit (including your own) and act accordingly. Right now, you’ve got a ‘Chicken Little’ thing going on that amounts to total confusion and blaming yourself for everything.
And that leads me to your final question: can we be friends? Well, since I don’t know anything about you and you present yourself as the ultimate family buzz kill, you can imagine what the answer to that question is. But, hey, don’t take it personally since there are some mornings I wake up and find my own company a questionable association.
- Annie
Dear Annie:
I’m not usually prone to writing advice columns but it seems like I’ve got more trouble than I can handle. My wife, to put it bluntly, is very unstable and while I want to think it’s manageable, I’m afraid that it’s existed for as long as I’ve known her (many years) and I’ve passed it off to quirkiness although in my heart of hearts I’ve known that she’s not a charitable person and sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to injure me.
Now, due to recent actions where she damaged property of a friend, I’m worried about my safety and the safety of my friends and family. What should I do?
911 on Hold
Dear 911 on Hold:
I’m going to assume that this is serious aggression and instability you’re talking about, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be asking for help, so let me give you a few guidelines and final suggestions.
Your desire to create something for yourself has likely clouded your vision of what is real and that nearly always means trouble. Loving someone in a way that compromises your own health or welfare is a clear indicator that you are, I’m sad to say, dreaming.
Often people create realities for themselves that fill a need in their lives (bad or good) but it seems that the one you’ve created threatens to do you harm and that means it’s time to abort the mission.
Why?
Because no one who would love and care for you would unleash such hostility on you or your loved ones. Let’s be clear that all couples argue and disagree from time to time and that’s a perfectly normal part of sharing space together, but it seems we’re not talking about normalcy.
People who truly care for one another are, as much as they can be, supportive and nurturing. It is how loving relationships function and if you have a situation where you actually fear the person you’re living with, then you’re in for a world of hurt.
Take a ‘time out’, think about everything that has come before and what is happening now; do some math with all of that and if the answer is a giant negative…leave.
Sometimes people think that they’re never going to find anything better or that they don’t deserve anything better but that is NEVER true. Being with no one will be better than staying with an abusive spouse. Besides, it’s likely you’re radar has been down for repair and you’re missing an entire swath of humanity because of your intense focus on this person.
You need to put your own preconceptions on hold, examine who this person is you married and, if everything tells you that it’s a bad situation, get away and prepare to remove them from your life.
If you value your own self, then you know you deserve better companionship than someone who would display disregard for your well-being. If someone truly loved you, would you feel apprehension and anxiety when you’re with them? If someone truly loved you, wouldn’t they add something to your life?
My guess is you already have the answer.
- Annie
Dearest Annie,
I’ve almost finished a bachelor’s degree in the science of politics. In doing this, I have progressively grown apathetic to the discipline as well as its social applications. What do I do with my life now?
Up a creek without a paddle
Dear Up a Creek:
I can appreciate the apathetic concerns about your major since using ‘science’ and ‘politics’ in the same sentence seems to present a 21st century oxymoron.
This may not patch the hole in your canoe but rest assured that there are legions of students just like yourself that have worked towards something only to discover it wasn’t where they wanted to be. Annie doesn’t usually reveal personal things but, for the sake of your psychological well being, I will tell you this; back in the stone-age when I was a young girl, I too reached the end of my college years with the same quandary!
So, the principle question to be asked is that of age. If you’re reasonably young (and Annie senses you are), and funding is available, you can re-route your course. Youth gives you options.
You qualify for a do-over. Yea, you!
What you do with the do-over, however, will determine if you get your paddle back. So, consider the following points:
1. Carefully consider what floats your boat. What are things you enjoy personally that have practical application in the work force? That seems like a simplistic question but it’s the principal one.
2. You may have skills that you haven’t taken seriously as potential career courses. You may even be able to extract things from that political science carcass. When in doubt, cannibalize! You will find it useful for the rest of your life.
3. What you end up doing may or may not bring you a lot of money so consider your needs in that area and plan accordingly.
4. Remember to look at the long haul because life is a marathon, not a sprint. Try to look at the entire river…the beginning, the rapids and the eventual dive over Niagara Falls. Life has an arc to it and it’s best to consider your needs for the entire run. Your needs will change as you paddle along so try to have foresight.
My brain is tired now. Hope this helps.
- Annie
Annie was forced to take an extended timeout through this period because of a death in the family. What made it more complicated was that it was someone who Annie actually liked. In death as in life, the passing of some people is a mere speed-bump but for others it’s a reason to pull over. This was the latter and, as an enthusiastic contributer to life on this planet, he will be missed.
Dear Annie,
I hope you can help me! For the past 10 years I have been searching this country for a place to retire. I’m not getting any younger and still I haven’t found the “perfect” place.Here are my requirements…it should be someplace where it never gets colder than 40 degrees and never warmer than 85. It can snow but only for the week of Christmas.The humidity should never be above 30%. There should be NO nasty creepy crawly things. The sun should shine at least 6 days per week. The people living there should be friendly enough to be helpful when desired but not enough to be nosey. The housing should be affordable on a “fixed” income and there should be lots of fun things to do.
Is that too much to ask? And if not, do you know where I can find this place, because to be honest with you, I’ve about given up and the retirement clock is ticking.
Thanks for your help.
Lookin2lounge in all the right places.
Dear Lookin2Lounge:
After exhaustive research that nearly caused Annie to have a couple of coronaries in a week, the search is complete and you’ll be re-locating to beautiful Green Valley, Arizona. The temp high in July tops your 85 degree ceiling but I figured the visitor sites would more than make up for that.
The state sales tax is only 4.54%, you’re at the foot of a mountain range. There’s only 20 thousand people so it wouldn’t be too hard to blow off 19,999 of them; you’ve probably been doing it all your life.
But here’s the best: “In nearby Sahuarita, the Titan II Missile Museum gives visitors a glimpse of the site that once housed the largest intercontinental ballistic missile built by the United States.”
There…and you’re welcome.
- Annie
Dear Annie,
My wife thinks I am very immature and is always doing mean things to me. For example, the other day she came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and sank all my boats!
What should I do?
Victor
Dear Victor,
Cling to the side of the tub until help comes. In the meantime, don’t go down with the ship.
- Annie
Annie:
I did have a question but I forgot, so now what do you suggest to improve my memory?
Emma
Dear Emma:
At least you were able to complete the question process and submission. Some never even do that and then sit there staring at the computer screen for an hour and a half wondering what they were going to do when they initially sat down. I don’t know what to tell you about your memory but, if it helps, we’re in the same boat. Just remember to take out the trash and tie your shoes and you’ll be alright.
- Annie
Dear Annie,
I’ve got the holiday blues. What do you suggest?
(I’ll have a)Blue Christmas
Dear Blue Christmas:
Well, I’m not sure what variety of holiday blues you have but it sounds like relationship blues so I’ll go on that supposition.
If you ever saw the Christmas movie classic, Holiday Inn, where Bing Crosby buys an inn out in the sticks and only opens it on various holidays throughout the year, you’ll recall that Crosby fell in love with a gal who performed there but she left for Hollywood and the glitter life. Well, Crosby spent nearly the entire rest of the picture in a deep funk, feeling sorry for himself, pining away for the girl and generally moping around from morning until night with everybody trying constantly to pep him up to no avail.
O.K., don’t do that.
And disregard the fact that Crosby finally goes out to Hollywood on the sound stage, finds the girl and sneaks in and starts singing “White Christmas” to her and they live happily ever after.
Don’t do that either because that crap only works in old Bing Crosby movies.
What would be a better approach might be to consider the friends and family you do have and spend time with them, and even better than that might be to groove out on your own fantastic self, get a bunch of brew (substitute your favorite beverage), slap on some James Brown and dance around the living room until you’re exhausted. Then grab some cool movies and have a film festival, eat the meanest chocolates on the planet and go back to the store for more beer.
If you do these things and you do them with enough wild abandon, you’ll forget you have the holiday blues and remember what an awesomely cool person you really are. From there, you’re primed for all things bigger and better and after awhile the blues will be in the rear view mirror.
- Annie
Dear Annie,
This is the time of year when the days are gloomy, cold, wet and downright dismal. All the vitamin D in the world does not take the place of the sunshine I long for. I can’t stand it that radio stations are already playing Christmas music. I look at all short people with disgust. I put slugs in the buckets of the bell ringers outside of the Walgreens. Yesterday I stabbed our neighbor’s various inflatable yard decorations, including an entire town of Bethlehem, and hung the baby Jesus from his maple tree. My husband (I’ll call him Ted) thinks I’ve lost my mind and has threatened to leave me.
Am I suffering from pre-holiday stress? Can you offer any help?
Mary Claus
Dear Mary Claus:
You certainly seemed to have covered all the bases as far as holiday rage is concerned. If I wasn’t so frightened of you I might admire the incredible scope of your rampage.
But here’s an approach that I’ve used successfully for many years now and maybe it will work for you. I take all my random insanity and as soon as I get in the car alone I keep the windows up and at the first sign of another driver doing something idiotic I let loose with a string of expletives that would embarrass a dock worker and I keep it coming with each stupid thing that happens in front of me and by the time I’ve reached my destination I’ve pretty much exhausted my pissy self.
Now, here’s the catch: while you’re doing this you must drive with the same decorum that you’d use if you weren’t screaming at the dashboard so this can only be verbal. Also, you have to apply the same venting to your own dumb-ass mistakes so you accomplish your release of energy and still keep the blame where it should be.
If you do these things I’ll bet by the time you get home you’ll be considerably happier, wishing the neighbors a Merry Christmas, dropping fifty dollar bills in the Salvation Army bucket and getting Jesus out of the maple tree.
Happy Holidays!
- Annie
Dear Annie,
My husband is a turkey! I don’t mean he’s a silly crazy wacky guy, he’s a REAL turkey! Last Thanksgiving my Uncle Joe gave me a turkling as a gift. I raised it and loved it and “Tom” and I became very attached. Now, Uncle Joe wants to “visit” Tom next week! He says he needs to take Tom to a real farm and let him hang out with the other turkeys, be with his own kind. This farm is right next door to a poultry processing plant!!!
So, I applied for a marriage license, forged the blood test results and signatures, and got a new age minister buddy of mine to marry us so I could put a restraining order on Uncle Joe and protect my Tom. Is this wrong? What should I do?
PS. We are having ham for Thanksgiving…I don’t know any pigs.
Giving thanks in Wisconcin
Dear Giving thanks in Wisconcin(sic):
Your passion for fowl is admirable. Who in their right mind wouldn’t gobble up the opportunity to protect a friend in need? I do, however, question your need for food and, in particular, the massive overload of food we consume at Thanksgiving where we become so bloated and immobile that belts are loosened and bathroom visits go on well into the morning, where the consumer actually has to have a complete day to recover from the bodily destruction caused by the excessive indulgence of more food than one person should be legally allowed to stuff down their gullet and where even the viewing of Thanksgiving football suffers from tryptophane induced slumbers that render watchers hopelessly inert, lying in a state of uselessness, barely able to discern which quarter it is or even what the score is…
O.K., never-mind, uh, screw Uncle Joe, I give you my blessings and may you have a happy life with your turkey. By the way, might I ask why you decided to take the ‘sin’ out of Wisconsin?
- Annie
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