Dear Annie,
My husband is a turkey! I don’t mean he’s a silly crazy wacky guy, he’s a REAL turkey! Last Thanksgiving my Uncle Joe gave me a turkling as a gift. I raised it and loved it and “Tom” and I became very attached. Now, Uncle Joe wants to “visit” Tom next week! He says he needs to take Tom to a real farm and let him hang out with the other turkeys, be with his own kind. This farm is right next door to a poultry processing plant!!!
So, I applied for a marriage license, forged the blood test results and signatures, and got a new age minister buddy of mine to marry us so I could put a restraining order on Uncle Joe and protect my Tom. Is this wrong? What should I do?
PS. We are having ham for Thanksgiving…I don’t know any pigs.
Giving thanks in Wisconcin
Dear Giving thanks in Wisconcin(sic):
Your passion for fowl is admirable. Who in their right mind wouldn’t gobble up the opportunity to protect a friend in need? I do, however, question your need for food and, in particular, the massive overload of food we consume at Thanksgiving where we become so bloated and immobile that belts are loosened and bathroom visits go on well into the morning, where the consumer actually has to have a complete day to recover from the bodily destruction caused by the excessive indulgence of more food than one person should be legally allowed to stuff down their gullet and where even the viewing of Thanksgiving football suffers from tryptophane induced slumbers that render watchers hopelessly inert, lying in a state of uselessness, barely able to discern which quarter it is or even what the score is…
O.K., never-mind, uh, screw Uncle Joe, I give you my blessings and may you have a happy life with your turkey. By the way, might I ask why you decided to take the ‘sin’ out of Wisconsin?
- Annie