Dear Annie,
This is the time of year when the days are gloomy, cold, wet and downright dismal. All the vitamin D in the world does not take the place of the sunshine I long for. I can’t stand it that radio stations are already playing Christmas music. I look at all short people with disgust. I put slugs in the buckets of the bell ringers outside of the Walgreens. Yesterday I stabbed our neighbor’s various inflatable yard decorations, including an entire town of Bethlehem, and hung the baby Jesus from his maple tree. My husband (I’ll call him Ted) thinks I’ve lost my mind and has threatened to leave me.
Am I suffering from pre-holiday stress? Can you offer any help?
Mary Claus
Dear Mary Claus:
You certainly seemed to have covered all the bases as far as holiday rage is concerned. If I wasn’t so frightened of you I might admire the incredible scope of your rampage.
But here’s an approach that I’ve used successfully for many years now and maybe it will work for you. I take all my random insanity and as soon as I get in the car alone I keep the windows up and at the first sign of another driver doing something idiotic I let loose with a string of expletives that would embarrass a dock worker and I keep it coming with each stupid thing that happens in front of me and by the time I’ve reached my destination I’ve pretty much exhausted my pissy self.
Now, here’s the catch: while you’re doing this you must drive with the same decorum that you’d use if you weren’t screaming at the dashboard so this can only be verbal. Also, you have to apply the same venting to your own dumb-ass mistakes so you accomplish your release of energy and still keep the blame where it should be.
If you do these things I’ll bet by the time you get home you’ll be considerably happier, wishing the neighbors a Merry Christmas, dropping fifty dollar bills in the Salvation Army bucket and getting Jesus out of the maple tree.
Happy Holidays!
- Annie