Dear Annie:
I’m not usually prone to writing advice columns but it seems like I’ve got more trouble than I can handle. My wife, to put it bluntly, is very unstable and while I want to think it’s manageable, I’m afraid that it’s existed for as long as I’ve known her (many years) and I’ve passed it off to quirkiness although in my heart of hearts I’ve known that she’s not a charitable person and sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to injure me.
Now, due to recent actions where she damaged property of a friend, I’m worried about my safety and the safety of my friends and family. What should I do?
911 on Hold
Dear 911 on Hold:
I’m going to assume that this is serious aggression and instability you’re talking about, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be asking for help, so let me give you a few guidelines and final suggestions.
Your desire to create something for yourself has likely clouded your vision of what is real and that nearly always means trouble. Loving someone in a way that compromises your own health or welfare is a clear indicator that you are, I’m sad to say, dreaming.
Often people create realities for themselves that fill a need in their lives (bad or good) but it seems that the one you’ve created threatens to do you harm and that means it’s time to abort the mission.
Why?
Because no one who would love and care for you would unleash such hostility on you or your loved ones. Let’s be clear that all couples argue and disagree from time to time and that’s a perfectly normal part of sharing space together, but it seems we’re not talking about normalcy.
People who truly care for one another are, as much as they can be, supportive and nurturing. It is how loving relationships function and if you have a situation where you actually fear the person you’re living with, then you’re in for a world of hurt.
Take a ‘time out’, think about everything that has come before and what is happening now; do some math with all of that and if the answer is a giant negative…leave.
Sometimes people think that they’re never going to find anything better or that they don’t deserve anything better but that is NEVER true. Being with no one will be better than staying with an abusive spouse. Besides, it’s likely you’re radar has been down for repair and you’re missing an entire swath of humanity because of your intense focus on this person.
You need to put your own preconceptions on hold, examine who this person is you married and, if everything tells you that it’s a bad situation, get away and prepare to remove them from your life.
If you value your own self, then you know you deserve better companionship than someone who would display disregard for your well-being. If someone truly loved you, would you feel apprehension and anxiety when you’re with them? If someone truly loved you, wouldn’t they add something to your life?
My guess is you already have the answer.
- Annie