Dear Annie,
I am always disappointing my family! My sister is going through a divorce on the other side of the country. At Christmas time I accidentally spoke to her soon to be ex-husband. I let them down so much that my now both my sisters have disowned me and the last words I received from the one going through the trauma was that I’m f**king nuts and she never wants to f**king talk to me again. I now realize that everyone would be happy and not having any problems if it weren’t for me. It is all my fault that my family has any problems at all! I’m such the disappointment. Can we be friends?
Morose in Michigan
Dear Morose:
Wow, the giant thud of that question nearly broke an appendage. That’s quite the load you’re carrying there so perhaps we should break it down a bit.
First thing on the table is that I have no details of any interaction you might have had with anyone (conversations, actions other than talking to the future ex and I don’t know what you said to him) so we’re going to have to speak in generalities here. One thing I can guarantee you is that you are not responsible for the misery of your family because that would be giving yourself entirely too much power and few, if any, family members have that kind of clout.
Rather than thinking that your family would be happy chipmunks if it weren’t for ‘downer you’, remember that you and your sisters come from under the same umbrella and whatever neurosis dogs the family tree (a lot of mixed metaphor here) affects all of you in different ways. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, you are f**king nuts and a general pain in everybody’s rear; their removal of you from the family scenery will definitely not improve their lives anymore than what they are able to do for themselves.
Now, with that said, you may want to find a professional to sort through some of this family nonsense because you don’t seem to have a firm grip on where you fit into this hot mess. You may not be happier in your family after doing some therapy but I can assure you you’ll know where you stand, and confidently (assuming you have the right therapist). Your goal should be to acquire the skills to identify the family bullshit (including your own) and act accordingly. Right now, you’ve got a ‘Chicken Little’ thing going on that amounts to total confusion and blaming yourself for everything.
And that leads me to your final question: can we be friends? Well, since I don’t know anything about you and you present yourself as the ultimate family buzz kill, you can imagine what the answer to that question is. But, hey, don’t take it personally since there are some mornings I wake up and find my own company a questionable association.
- Annie