Piss Poor Potlucker Punts
SELMA, Pennsylvania (FP) When asked why he refered to himself as a “piss poor potlucker”, Ernest Bynes just shook his head and admitted to being procedurally crippled in social situations.
“I’m not trying to screw up”, admitted Bynes, “but I always end up finding a way to repulse our friends.”
A year ago, invited to a Christmas potluck, Bynes and his wife, Flora, created a beautiful caprese salad with freshly grown basil leaves, expensive oils and delicious balsamic vinegar. In fact, the dish was so good that Bynes sat down in front of it at the potluck table and ate the majority of the dish while friends scrambled to grab any scraps that Bynes might have missed.
“Nobody said anything directly but the vibes, man, the vibes.”
The potluck included a Christmas ornament exchange but Bynes and his wife had failed to read that fact clearly on the invitation they received. When the host called everyone into the living room for the event, Bynes, realizing that this wasn’t a particularly good follow-up to eating all of his own potluck dish, quickly fashioned a paper ornament out of scraps borrowed from the wrapping paper of other gift givers, attaching a hook and casually pretending he’d just lifted it from the Christmas tree.
Some were amused and some were not and while Bynes was lauded for his creativity, it was just as clear that the subtext of their attitude and cajoling spelled out an end to any future invitations. In other words, “you’re mildly amusing, but you’re going to have to do it somewhere else.”
Just to make sure that he’d done enough damage on the way out the door, Bynes absentmindedly picked up the wrong jacket and left his own at the party…pockets stuffed with condoms, discovered by the host’s children on Christmas morning.
Bynes is now in a 12-step recovery program for perpetually inept party-goers and has a new social gathering sponsor who apologizes for Bynes in advance.
