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Dog Bites Dysfunctional Family Members…Exclusively
In an uncanny display of animal intuitiveness, Rex, a small family dog in Redding, California has taken to biting family members…but only those who display dysfunctional behavior. It has long been thought that animals sense even the most minuscule of aberrant behavior in humans and respond in kind, but Rex has taken things to... »
Delusional Family Member Offers Free Advice
BART, Massachusetts (FP) Although nearly everyone in Janet Massagua’s extended family suspects the truth about her life, Janet remains the only believer in her ability to diagnose the family ills. A voracious reader of Psychology Today and subsequent dispenser of advice from here to eternity, Massagua has found her own calling as the ‘knower’... »
Piss Poor Potlucker Punts
SELMA, Pennsylvania (FP) When asked why he refered to himself as a “piss poor potlucker”, Ernest Bynes just shook his head and admitted to being procedurally crippled in social situations. “I’m not trying to screw up”, admitted Bynes, “but I always end up finding a way to repulse our friends.” A year ago, invited... »
Wisconsin Man Fakes Injury To Watch Football
BUSTER, Wisconsin (FP) Sam Jansen admits he might have gone a little far in a scheme that involved convincing his family and doctors that he’d suffered a severe head trauma, leaving him hospitalized and unable to recognize his wife. Back in August, Jansen says he realized that family responsibilities were going to be a... »
Iowa Woman Only Interacts Through Facebook
PEMBROKE, Iowa (FP) Diane Stasiuk’s husband says she’s “gone to the other side”. Extended family members say she no longer answers the phone. Her own parents are scrambling around, trying to solve the riddle of the computer so they can talk to their daughter. And all of this because Stasiuk, 49, has apparently bonded... »
Colorado Employer Hires Only Family Members
HOMELY, Colorado (FP) As far as Horace Greenry is concerned, desperate times call for desperate measures so the owner of the third largest paper mill in Colorado is cutting costs by only hiring immediate and extended family to fill all positions. Greenry claims that this cost cutting measure will stabilize overhead in an unstable... »
Wooden Boy Locked In Box For 49 Years, Finally Free
BUFFALO, New York (FP) After years of neighbor complaints about odd knocking sounds coming from a small shotgun house at the corner of Bailey and Delavan, police finally searched the abandoned property, finding a small wooden boy locked in a box in the attic. According to authorities, the owner of the residence, Robert Smith,... »
Study Shows Men Can Be Domesticated
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (FP) Long thought to be nothing more than urban legend, a 30 year Harvard College study demonstrates the possibility that the male species can actually be trained to do domestic tasks such as dish washing, heartfelt discussion and foot massage. Harvard study coordinator, Dr. Loretta Feinstein, acknowledges that results are in the... »
Pro Football Team Would Rather Snuggle Than Score
ROCKFORD, Rhode Island (FP) Fred Harbor, commissioner of the Inter-Atlantic Semi-Pro Football League couldn’t believe his eyes when he received a registered letter from the Rhode Island franchise declaring that they would be disbanding for personal reasons. Coach and team president, Tom Jeter, explained the move by saying: “If we’re going to prove that... »
Ferocious Shih Tzu Attack Leaves Neighbor Hemless
Klondike, ARIZONA (FP) Apparently, there’s more to worry about than being mauled by a pit bull, according to Freddie Frisky, who barely survived what he describes as a vicious attack from a neighbor’s shih tzu. Mr. Frisky claims he was washing his car when the shih tzu came out of nowhere and locked its... »