Wooden Boy Locked In Box For 49 Years, Finally Free

Wednesday, September 9, 2009
By Freak Press Corps
Wooden Boy Locked In Box For 49 Years, Finally Free

BUFFALO, New York (FP) After years of neighbor complaints about odd knocking sounds coming from a small shotgun house at the corner of Bailey and Delavan, police finally searched the abandoned property, finding a small wooden boy locked in a box in the attic.

According to authorities, the owner of the residence, Robert Smith, had apparently left the premises sometime in 1998 and left the boy locked in a box with little ventilation and no provisions. The red-haired, freckle-faced boy, identified only as Doody (pending contact with the family tree), spent hours telling police detectives of the years of being forced to perform for Smith and a clown called Clarabell.

Doody told police that “at first it was just for fun but, before I knew it, money had exchanged hands and I was forced to sign a contract.” The boy claimed to have been filmed and photographed repeatedly from 1947 until 1960, “when it all suddenly stopped”.

“After that,” said Doody, “I was ignored and stuffed in this rotten attic, cast off like an old pair of wheel chocks…it was very lonely…he just cut the strings and pretended I didn’t exist.”

Neighbors and local watchdog groups have complained to police about the lack of a thorough search over the decades, even though the knocking and occasional muffled singing could clearly be heard outside the house.

Although Smith could not be located, police managed to track down and arrest Clarabell later the same day. However, the clown refused to talk, only honking a small horn in response to interrogators.

While Doody appeared to be in amazingly good condition and always smiling, detectives did note an oddly excited reaction when one of the officers asked another, “What time is it?”

Bookmark and Share

Study Shows Men Can Be Domesticated

Monday, August 24, 2009
By Freak Press Corps
Study Shows Men Can Be Domesticated

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (FP) Long thought to be nothing more than urban legend, a 30 year Harvard College study demonstrates the possibility that the male species can actually be trained to do domestic tasks such as dish washing, heartfelt discussion and foot massage.

Harvard study coordinator, Dr. Loretta Feinstein, acknowledges that results are in the preliminary stages and further behavior modification studies are needed but several test subjects located in 5 states have yielded better than expected return.

Test subject 14, residing in an undisclosed city in Michigan, has begun to respond positively to constant reminders and threats of leaving by his spouse, and has now loaded and unloaded their dishwasher 3 consecutive times. In addition, the subject shocked researchers by suggesting the couple go for a ‘walk’ and then engaging his spouse in an exchange of ‘inner feelings’.

Researchers warn the wife of the test subject to temper her optimism since it is common for these minor successes to be followed by a complete relapse into open bags of Cheetos and Spongebob Squarepants cartoon marathons.

While the study has shown positive results, Dr. Feinstein constantly reminds female partners of the downside of these findings; most of the earliest test subjects receiving daily dosages of “activity suggestion” showed no signs of change for at least 25 years.

As a result, Dr. Feinstein, long past retirement age, believes there is little hope she will live long enough to complete the study.

Bookmark and Share

Pro Football Team Would Rather Snuggle Than Score

Friday, May 8, 2009
By Freak Press Corps
Pro Football Team Would Rather Snuggle Than Score

ROCKFORD, Rhode Island (FP) Fred Harbor, commissioner of the Inter-Atlantic Semi-Pro Football League couldn’t believe his eyes when he received a registered letter from the Rhode Island franchise declaring that they would be disbanding for personal reasons.

Coach and team president, Tom Jeter, explained the move by saying: “If we’re going to prove that we’re a committed family organization, then we’ve got to start acting like it, so we’re folding the franchise so we can spend more time with our families through the football season.”

Jeter went on to point out the hours and hours of lost family time due to NFL broadcasts and, closer to home, their own semi-pro team, the Whale Boaters. Apparently, Jeter was able to convince the 40 players and coaches under contract to simply give up their jobs and hang around with their wives all day long.

While some sociologists find this unprecedented move intriguing, others, nearly all male sociologists, argue that the experiment is mind-numbingly stupid and why would anyone do that? Then the angry sociologists descended upon Jeter’s home with pitchforks and torches, driving him out of the county.

New coach, Cliff Stepford, holds tryouts on August 14th.

Bookmark and Share