Tag Archive
Piss Poor Potlucker Punts
SELMA, Pennsylvania (FP) When asked why he refered to himself as a “piss poor potlucker”, Ernest Bynes just shook his head and admitted to being procedurally crippled in social situations. “I’m not trying to screw up”, admitted Bynes, “but I always end up finding a way to repulse our friends.” A year ago, invited... »
Wisconsin Man Fakes Injury To Watch Football
BUSTER, Wisconsin (FP) Sam Jansen admits he might have gone a little far in a scheme that involved convincing his family and doctors that he’d suffered a severe head trauma, leaving him hospitalized and unable to recognize his wife. Back in August, Jansen says he realized that family responsibilities were going to be a... »
Colorado Employer Hires Only Family Members
HOMELY, Colorado (FP) As far as Horace Greenry is concerned, desperate times call for desperate measures so the owner of the third largest paper mill in Colorado is cutting costs by only hiring immediate and extended family to fill all positions. Greenry claims that this cost cutting measure will stabilize overhead in an unstable... »
Wooden Boy Locked In Box For 49 Years, Finally Free
BUFFALO, New York (FP) After years of neighbor complaints about odd knocking sounds coming from a small shotgun house at the corner of Bailey and Delavan, police finally searched the abandoned property, finding a small wooden boy locked in a box in the attic. According to authorities, the owner of the residence, Robert Smith,... »
Study Shows Men Can Be Domesticated
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (FP) Long thought to be nothing more than urban legend, a 30 year Harvard College study demonstrates the possibility that the male species can actually be trained to do domestic tasks such as dish washing, heartfelt discussion and foot massage. Harvard study coordinator, Dr. Loretta Feinstein, acknowledges that results are in the... »
Pro Football Team Would Rather Snuggle Than Score
ROCKFORD, Rhode Island (FP) Fred Harbor, commissioner of the Inter-Atlantic Semi-Pro Football League couldn’t believe his eyes when he received a registered letter from the Rhode Island franchise declaring that they would be disbanding for personal reasons. Coach and team president, Tom Jeter, explained the move by saying: “If we’re going to prove that... »
Madoff Fraud Victim Thanks Bernie
Boca Raton, FLORIDA (FP) Edna Gildensteen, wealthy widowed socialite, wants to personally thank Bernie Madoff, creator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, for robbing her blind of millions of dollars. Sound crazy? Maybe not, according to Gildensteen, who says now that losing everything might have been the best thing to ever happen to... »
American Idol Over-Tweaking?
HOLLYWOOD, California (FP) The 2009 version of American Idol paired down to 13 for the final run towards crowning a champion. Odd enough was the surprise addition of a 13th contestant, one up from the usual Top 12, but sources say that the Idol producers have even added a 14th singer into the mix.... »
Beer Baby Bubbly Over Brew
PONTIAC, Michigan (FP) Two month old Gregg Martin quickly rejected his mother’s milk and any baby formula thrown his way. Now, the only thing the youngster is interested in is beer. “He cried as if he was hungry,” lamented the baby’s mother, Irene Martin, “but when I gave him the formula bottle he cried... »
Pack-Rat Creates Homemade Mausoleum
SHINGLES, Idaho (FP) “We knew she was in there somewhere”, said Christopher Johnson after finally locating his mother among the estimated 180 tons of old newspapers, bank statements and assorted debris that claimed every square inch of her 2 bedroom ranch-style home. Unfortunately, Johnson’s mother, Esmerelda Pemberton, had passed away nearly a year prior... »